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I had a wonderful, opening, rainbow-ey time at a Solsara gathering, recently.
If you’ve never heard of Solsara, it’s a beautiful community that inspires its participants to explore the possibility of opening. Opening as in unraveling, opening as in getting clear on what is, opening as in processing what’s real for you in the moment, letting your guard down or defining healthy boundaries, connecting deeply with other humans or finally being fully witnessed in your you-ness, and whatever else that opening might mean.
In connection with two wise and inspiring people, I explored the themes of shame and guilt that have been coming up in my life lately. These self-imposed afflictions of emotional struggle. The wise and magical Mellissa Seaman says, “Guilt is when you fear you’re going to be punished for breaking someone else’s rules. Shame is when you feel bad for going against one of your own most dearly held values.”
What I was present to last night was that there is a pattern in my life of feeling like an outsider, like I am standing on the sidewalk, watching life happening for others, inside of some beautiful happy-go-lucky room that I can’t seem to find the door to get into.
I know I’m not alone in this.
What was reflected back to me was that the key to getting into the blue room is to be blue, and the key to getting into that silly red room down the street is to be red. And to fit myself into one of those ways of being, and into one of those special tribes, would be to deny the fact that I’m a fucking rainbow. (And I’m not referring to the fabulous Queer community.) It would be me suffering and struggling to hide all the parts of me that are what make me so special and unique to try and minimize down to the right way of being to fit in.
What this comes down to is…
To be rainbow you’re not going to be chosen every time, you’re not going to get into the private purple party every time, you’re probably going to have to walk the road alone now and then while you wait for the other rainbow freaks to make their way back out into the open too.
You already are the person you’ve been trying to become. It’s all there inside of you just waiting to be allowed to boldly step forth. To feel ashamed that you’re still not blue, and the blue kids seem like they’re having such a good time is to lose sight of your Incredible You-ness! This won’t apply to all of you reading this, some of you are very comfortable inside that slap-happy yellow room with all your cronies, and that is definitely something worth celebrating!
But some of you are in hiding.
Some of you have battled depression and solitude and experienced that pane of glass hovering between you and the people before you and I’m just hoping to blow the magical whistle that helps you snap out of it and shake the dust that you’ve gathered in waiting, and paint the town rainbow again!
There are others out there who will hold you in all your light and shadow, who will allow space for every aspect of you that’s been boxed up and denied.
Don’t give up.
Your co-workers might not understand. Your spouse may not even be ready for who you’ve been all along, but at some point it will be time for the inner voice that’s telling you to play small and keep quiet, to finally be snuffed out. And you will get to stand shining in all your glory, bright as the sun and sparkling like the mythological rainbow unicorn that you are.
See you out here on the sidewalk, my friend. When you’re ready.
